I have to write. The pain appears too unbearable right now. This past Sunday, Divine Mercy Sunday, was the 8 year anniversary of your death. It seems like forever ago. I was only 10. Just a young child who’s world was turned upside down in one moment. I won’t go into real detail on what happened, I have done that here, what I want is to write on my own personal experience.
I remember being completely oblivious to what could happen. I was only 10, death didn’t seem real to me. I had never really experienced it. I didn’t know what it was. When we got the call from dad that you were dead, I still didn’t know what that meant. I repeated it to myself trying to see if it would make sense; it didn’t work. I tried to sort it in my mind what had happened… with everyone around me crying, hurt over taking them. I tried to think, but it was the shock that fell on me.
Bernadette asked if anyone would like to go and see you in the hospital, I went. I never walked in your room. I stood outside comforting Jacinta. I was scared. It scared me seeing my brother who was so full of life lying motionless in a hospital bed. Others who were there stood at your bedside. Tears filling their eyes. We all had the same thoughts, emotions. We were all scared. We were hurt. Our hearts broken. We were in shock. And we didn’t really understand what had just happened to our lives; our family.
It hasn’t changed. Eights years and I still question why. Eight years and I am still in shock. Eight years and I still don’t understand what happened. And eight years, I still am broken and hurt.
And so, I know that time will get better and I will once again learn to smile and laugh. My heart will be filled with joy. But right now, I miss you. I miss Nana, too. It has only been a month. I know God has a better and bigger plan, but I can’t see it. In the midst of my sorrow and loss, I don’t understand why this is happening. I can only trust. And as His “mercy endures forever”, I know I will be okay.
I love you, and Nana, too!